Cossie's Food for Thought

 

Are we making the most of our mistakes?

The run into Christmas is about as busy as it gets for many of us - trying to get everything sorted before everyone disappears on holiday.  It's a time of year where pressure can lead to mistakes and they can quickly compound into conflict.  Why does this happen when mistakes are often just overlooked opportunities that have been misinterpreted and mis-labelled?

A mistake,as defined in the Merriam-Webster on-line dictionary, means among other things - to blunder in the choice of; to misunderstand the meaning or intention of; to make a wrong judgement of the character or ability of; to identify wrongly or confuse with another; to be wrong - all of which we attribute to 'the event'.  What if we have it wrong?  What if the real mistake we make is not what we do 'wrong' but rather our reaction the thing that didn't happen as planned?

I don't know about you - but I grew up learning that mistakes were a sign of weakness and had to be avoided at all cost.  This led to many years of 'safe' decisions and unfulfilled potential.  It also led to a penchant for pointing out the mistakes of others - the rationale being "if the attention is on them it won't be on me".  We spend too much time trying to avoid or disguise or disown our 'mistakes' that we begin to live in fear.  We fear that we are not enough.  We stop playing our instrument for fear that others will hear the occasional bum note and realise our incompetence.

What if we are wrong about that note?  Here is a fascinating TED presentation by Stefon Harris on the value of a bum note:

 

As in Jazz, so it is in improvisation.  A 'yes-and' response to whatever is being offered leads to an increase in creativity and energy.  a 'but-no' reaction crushes the creativity and destroys the opportunity.

I wonder how many times I have destroyed amazing opportunites, for myself and others, simply by resisting or missing the possibility of what was on offer?  Just because there are too many times to count but that doesn't mean that I can't change.

What if i'm wrong about the way I am seeing somebody or something?  What if i'm mistaken?

Will work and home be different if I choose not to sieze on mistakes?  I don't know if it will or not - but I am looking forward to giving it a crack over Christmas. What about you?

Food for thought ....

Is honesty obsolete?

It is election day in New Zealand tomorrow and I can't wait - yet it's not the result that I am impatient for - it's some respite from the storm of posturing, politicking and extreme rhetoric of the campaign.  It's not that I don't care about the result.  I do.  The fate of our house lies in the balance with it.  I think what bugs me most is the constant reminder, from the very process itself, that we live our lives in a world of smoke and mirrors - where honesty is more relative than real.

Much of what we do and say seems to be done with the underlying intent of arranging ourselves in the minds of others - not with who we really are but with who we want them to believe that we are.  It's as if, on our own, as we are, we are not enough.  I need to be seen as better than, or as worse than, or as more deserving, or as anything except who I actually am.  Does this clip remind you of anything?

 

The trouble with marketing ourselves in this way is that we risk losing all credibility with the very people we seek to influence.  I walk or drive past an election billboard in my neighbourhood several times a day.  The picture of the candidate is so flawless that I know it must be a lie.  I find my resentment for it growing each time I pass it.  If he can't be honest with his picture - what else is he trying to deceive me with?

Yet how often do we find ourselves airbrushing our own stories, usually in the company of others, to secure some perceived advantage in our competitive world of one-upmanship.  Is the person portrayed in my CV or my on-line profile the real me or is it the stylised projection - designed to evoke a specific reaction?

My golf handicap is derived from my last 20 rounds - the best 10 are taken and averaged to give a standard that I am expected to play to.  All things being equal, I am only going to meet or exceed that standard once in every four rounds.  What if our CV tells the story of the best 10 days in our last 20 years?  Is it any surprise that we tend to feel anxious about being exposed when we start each new job or engagement? 

As leaders we think we need to show strength in everything we do - and that strength comes from always being right - and yet in doing this we put our greatest weakness on display for all to see.  Maybe real strength comes from having the courage to own our 'weak side' as much as we own our 'strong side'.

I guess it all comes down to risk assessment.  Is the risk of being found out greater or less than the risk of being passed over?  Is there still a place for honesty in a world that is addicted to managed perceptions and self-deception?

Food for thought ....

 

The change challenge - where to start?

One of the biggest challenges we can face when seeking to lead change is in our own approach.  We see a problem that another person has and we marvel at their inability to see their need to change.  Are they blind or just stupid?.  When logic fails we push and they push back - which simply confirms our assessment that they are the problem.  The evidence is everywhere.  I am right and they're wrong.  Before we realise it - we are locked in a desperate wrestling match - with an obstinate enemy.

How do we break the cycle?  Where do we get leverage with someone who won't see?

As you know I am a sucker for a good movie.  How to Train Your Dragon explores the challenge of change in a world where Vikings and Dragons are locked in a desperate battle for survival.  Hiccup - the hapless son of the Viking chief - captures a dragon and tries to train him.  In the process - he makes a discovery ...

Everything We Know is Wrong
How to Train Your Dragon at MOVIECLIPS.com

 

 

What if we are wrong?  What if all the evidence we have gathered about our obstinate foe has been distorted by our own growing need to blame someone else?  What if we have created a monster that doesn't exist?  What if I have simply projected my own shortcomings onto the other and then blamed them accordingly?  This takes the concept of 'seeing the world as I am' to a dangerous new level.  If I see them as lazy and obstructive through this process - I now need them to be lazy and obstructive in order to be justified in my initial judgement.  I need to be right and I need them to be wrong but - what if i'm wrong - about everything I think I know about them?

What if this dynamic underpins all relationships where I experience resistance to change and feel the need to push?  If it does - then maybe the most important place for me to start is with the assumption that I am wrong about them.  I simply don't know why they do what they do - and I need to learn more. 

Another great movie on the subject of Leading Change is Clint Eastwood's Invictus.  It focuses on Mandela and his use of the 1995 Rugby World Cup to pull his country together.  This clip illustrates one of his starting points for leading change...

 

Reconciliation and Forgiveness Start Here
Invictus — MOVIECLIPS.com

 

Allowing someone the benefit of a fresh start takes courage and determination.  I face a challenge at the moment with another who I wish to influence.  Are my judgements of him more important to me than solving the perceived problem?  I guess it is time for me to 'put my money where my mouth is':-)

Food for thought ...

Failure is not an option

Have you ever found yourself in a slump?  Where the golf shots aren't as good as they used to be?  Where the relationships don't seem as rich as they were before?  Where prospects are less bright and where doubts seem to infest everything?

The trouble with getting into a slump is that we often don't see it coming until it is too late.  It's like being 'in the box' - where every experience is framed by a nagging thought that we don't measure up.  The moment we allow this thought a place in our mind it spreads like a virus to infect every aspect of our lives.  We discover a mass of evidence that supports the idea that 'we suck'.  We use the wrong tape to measure ourselves against unhelpful standards and then we use these observations as justification for connecting the wrong dots.

The picture that was so promising is now just an ugly distortion.  How can this happen to intelligent and rational adults? 

I think we put our confidence at risk when we invest too much into the need to deliver a specific result with a perfect shot - every time.  When we don't hit that perfect shot and, therefore, don't achieve the perfect result we go looking for explanations to justify our failure.  When we can't find someone else to 'fit' for the crime then we sometimes blame ourselves.  Tell these 'rational' lies often enough and we become imprisoned by them - waiting to be rescued - unaware that we hold the key. 

One of my favourite experts on performance improvement, Timothy Gallwey, shares some insight into how we can be better lifting our game:

 

Is it possible to have a clear result in mind, to develop a strong intention in mind as to how I am going to deliver that result - and yet be totally open to accepting whatever result is delivered?  To 'swing' freely without fear of failure or ridicule?  I have a NASA coffee mug from Florida that is boldly emblazoned with the words - 'failure is not an option'.  Does that mean that we should give up and go home if we don't manage the perfect shot?  If we swing with a 'fear of failure' then we are almost certain to achieve it.

Maybe the failure they are talking about on my mug is not about perfection.  Maybe failure is what we achieve when we give up on making mistakes - when we accept our own weak excuses for not being perfect and stop trying.  Failure is what we achieve when we close ourselves off from the learning opportunities that life offers us.  

The ball goes where I hit it and each new shot gives me an opportunity to learn more and to play better - in golf as well as in life - if I will just relax and enjoy the ride.

Food for thought ......

 

Choosing to be resilient

Resilience is considered by many to be a critical characteristic of effective leadership - but what exactly are we referring to when we use that word?  Psychological resilience is seen as the positive capacity of an individual to cope with stress and adversity - but that doesn't do it for me.  I immediately think of the Black Knight from Monty Python's Holy Grail - mindlessly pushing forward in the face of adversity - resisting all around him ... (Caution - this clip will be a bit gruesome for some)

 

The idea that resilience is just about coping seems to sell it a bit short.  In physics - resilience is defined as the property of a material to absorb energy when it is deformed elastically and then, upon uploading to have this energy recovered.  To bounce back - not in spite of the energy received but because of it.

This definition suggests an ability to be energised by the challenges we face. 

This week it snowed where I live for the first time in 35 years.  I was down in Wellington for some meetings and I coped with the inconvenience of it all.  I turned up my collar, I bowed my head and I pushed my way through the storm.  It didn't energise me at all.  How could it?  And yet - others experienced it differently...

 

I guess there is more than one way to be resilient.  I can simply suck it up - take the knocks and keep stepping in - seeing resistance as something to be resisted - or I can find better frames or explanations for what is before me and turn the experience into something more useful.

I was in the same snow as the people in the clip - but my mind was on where I wanted to be and not where I was.  Maybe that's where the difference lies?  To be able to make full use of the energy on offer to me I need to be more present - in the moment?

Another word that could be used to describe this kind of resilience is responsive.  I wonder how much energy I would have - how much more I could do - if I was more responsive to what was being offered?

Food for thought ....

Owning my own stuff

Have you ever had anyone do something so bad that you instantly went to war?  Did you rush in - guns blazing (if you will) to sort out the villain?  How did that work for you?

My business partner (and wife) did something so bad this week that shook me to the core.  She gave away part of my movie collection - some 200 videos.  (You may laugh or shake your head - but I collect movies and value them highly - even when they are sitting in a box in the shed).  When she told me what she had done - I couldn't believe it.  We had talked about this scenario before and she knew where I stood on giving away collections.

I found myself getting angrier and angrier.  When she suggested I go and ask for them back I almost exploded.  She gives them away and now she wants me, the victim, to go and beg for them back?  This was intolerable.  I started to question the very foundation of our relationship.  I became both sullen and volcanic.  I wanted justice.  To make matters worse - when she finally went to get them back herself - half of them were missing - the good half of course.  

It was time for a showdown - but I had a meeting scheduled in town so I decided to do that first and then come home and sort her out.

I was driving home after a meeting when I started to think about this week's blog.  My intention was to write about the value of 'out-of-the-box' spaces - people, places, activities, memories etc in which i am generally uplifted and in the responsive way of being.  We continually undervalue them - and don't spend enough time with them - to the point that they often become hazy memories in stead of a vibrant core.

I started to list them - Golf, good food, Arbinger workshops, Kapiti Island, Tamryn....  With each one I started to consider what I really valued about each.  I soon realised that I couldn't think of any of these without thinking of Trish.  She was a common denominator.  Trish was at the top of the list.  Wow.  I began to remember the amazing contribution she has made to my life over the years - and suddenly - I found myself convicted.  I had been judging her actions from the box - my own petty palace of insecurities and self-interested distortions.

It made me think of this video (thanks Colin):

 

A few years ago - the Washington Post ran an experiment.  They placed concert virtuoso violinist, Joshua Bell, in a busy D.C. Metro station and had him play - as a busker.  Almost everybody missed it.

We get so busy in our lives - so focussed on the future and the past - that we miss the full story of what is going on around us.  We miss the music.

I was so busy fussing about being wronged and about things going wrong that I had lost sight completely of who I was dealing with - and who they had to deal with.  

I went home and apologised.  Giving away my collection wasn't right - but blaming and horribilising her for doing it was worse.  It was my stuff that was the problem here - not hers.  

I just got re-taught a critical lesson.  In the face of provocation I need to identify and own my own stuff before reacting to another.  If I judge someone from the self-serving distortions of my 'box' I am simply being a hypocrite - and the bigger part of the problem.  I wonder how many times I have missed the music?

Food for thought...

Leadership and art of being wrong

How many of you would list 'being wrong' as one of the most desirable traits of a leader?  If not - should we?  Let me explain...

I had one of those moments recently where I realised that I had been totally wrong in my assessment of another and, by the time I figured it out, it was too late - he was dead.  We fell out when we were kids.  He did something that offended me and, in my mind, he got away with it.  From that point on I saw him as a 'user' and worse and as time went on, he kept doing things to prove me right.  

I avoided him as much as I could and, when I couldn't, I kept him at arms length.  From where I stood - that was a great decision.  He kept making bad choices and 'using' the people around him.  Everything I saw or heard justified my judgement.  Whenever his name came up in conversation I made sure that those I was talking with could see what I was seeing.

Three weeks ago I got the call.  John was dead.  No surprise there given the abuse he put his body through.  I decided to attend his funeral - my stated intent was to support his mother - but I guess I was looking for the final proof of my judgements - the final evidence of my rightness.

What I found, over the day or so that I was there, was something totally different.  I found a man being honoured by his family and friends as a force of nature who touched their lives for good.  How could that be?  I knew what he had done to some of them - and yet they chose to look beyond that - and in doing so they gave me a different picture.  He wasn't the monster I had made him to be.  He was more than that - much more - and I am grateful for the fresh perspective they offered me.

I got the wrong end of the stick and it was so easy to do. Just click on this image and follow the instructions to see just how easy it is:

Levinas talks of the gaze, the eye-to-eye connection of two people, as the space where their humanity is revealed - where we get to see them for who they can be ( see my previous post - the eyes have it).  As we can see from the video exercise - using our peripheral vision can lead to incredible distortions - that seem so real at the time - but are oh so wrong.  Making a definitive judgement about someone limits me to a peripheral view that doesn't tell the truth - it simply justifies my judgement.

What if i'm wrong about the people I have written off?  The people I have judged as flawed?  What if the problem is with my selective self-serving eyesight and not them at all?  How can a leader bring out the best in those around him or her if we are not open to the idea that we might be wrong?

Food for thought ....

p.s. check this out :-)

 

Are we stuck yet?

Leading change is one of the most challenging roles we can face in life.  No matter how good the planning - the maps we were using don't always prepare us for the actual ground conditions or the elements.  This hilarious clip illustrates the experience that many of us have had trying to implement someone's great idea:

 

 Ludwig von Bertalanffy once said something to the effect we can study hydrogen and oxygen as much as we like but we will never understand the concept of wetness until we put our own hand in the bucket of water.

Change Leadership requires us to get our feet wet.  It is something we experience with others.  Change Management is more of a spectator sport.

For us to be effective in leading change with others we need to be actively experiencing the same level of vulnerability that we would require of others.  This is the tough bit - to have the confidence in oneself that is necessary to instill confidence and yet remain open to the possibility that I might be wrong.

 

Food for thought ....

How will I know?

I was asked a question last week that has had me thinking ever since.  "How will I know when I am out of the box?"

Being 'out of the box' is one of Arbinger's metaphors for having a responsive 'way of being' towards others: seeing others for who they are - people who count the same as we do; being alive to their hopes, their needs and their fears; and having a sense of what I can do, in the moment, to help them succeed.

My answer, at the time, was that in some ways I can't know when I am 'out of the box' - not in the moment at least.  My experience is that being 'out of the box' is something I become conscious of only after the fact - when I have lost it - and that can happen the moment I think to ask that question - am I 'out of the box'?  For me - being 'out of the box' is a state where I am fully focussed, in the moment, on others and not me.  In those moments I get to see people in terms of how I can help them as opposed to the norm of how they can help me.  If I ask the question then the spell is broken - the bubble disappears and I am back in my world of self concern, striving for preference.

Athletes and artists often talk of times when they are immersed in 'the zone' - in a state of peak performance where they are at one with the task.  Paul Newman describes it in this clip from 'The Hustler':

 

You're a Winner, Eddie
The Hustler — MOVIECLIPS.com

 

 I think of it as being fully in the present - but the trick is that I can't make it happen - I can only let it happen - and that means that I have to get out of the way.  Ironic isn't it?  To achieve this state where I am arguably at my best I need to forget about me.

Quality of Life researcher, teacher and author Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi talks of a state of flow where in rising to an above-average challenge with above-average skill - seven conditions exist in the moment:  complete focus, a sense of ecstasy, great inner clarity, total confidence, serenity, timelessness and intrinsic motivation - that the opportunity to do what we are involved in is it's own reward.  Here is a 2004 TED talk (19 minutes) where he describes his findings:

 

He talks of our need to have at least 10 years experience in our field to develop the level of skill necessary to achieve flow (another take on the 10,000 hour rule) and gives examples of composers, academics and athletes - yet I think this is just as applicable to every-day people as it is to experts.

Being 'out of the box' is like a state of flow in relationship where we act without self-interest for the good of another human being.  It is something we are all capable of and we are at our best, as human beings when we are in that state with each other.

How will I know?  I realise I was breathing when it becomes difficult to breath.  I realise I was healthy when I become ill.  Maybe the most important question is not "how will I know when I am 'out of the box'?" but rather "How will I know when I am 'in the box' and settling for less?

Food for thought....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will people come?

I spent time with a friend this week who was experiencing some of the loneliness of leadership.  He has reached the stage with his business  where he has put it all 'on the table' - and the cards aren't looking good.  Sooner or later - in leadership as in life - we have to make the 'go - no go' call - where we choose to go 'all-in' - or not.  Not all the chips represent money.  Many of them represent dreams - and none of us want to give up on our dreams.  

Most, if not all, small business owners have to face this challenge on their quest for success.  Do I stay or do I go?  Do I push or do I stop?  Do I hold or do I fold?  Unless we have faced this tyrant ourselves - we can only imagine the turmoil being experienced.  Yet - this is the part of the game where we have to pay to play - and it's not simply a case of 'go hard or go home'.  Not every hand is a winner is it?

Do you remember this scene from the Field of Dreams?

People Will Come
Field of Dreams at MOVIECLIPS.com

 

 "People will come Ray".  

In his case they did - after he made the decision to stay the course.  Courageous or crazy - you have to admire people who believe in what they are doing - but that is a movie and not real life.  Sometimes the people don't come - not because they are not there - but because we haven't discovered what we need to do to make it possible for them to come!  We experience resistance as something to be overcome but it is often not what it seems.  Often it is simply valuable feedback that we have failed to recognise - like a clue being hidden in plain sight - that would set us on the right course if could just see it.  Self-deception has many faces.  Pushing forward for it's own sake is senseless.  Pushing forward, with awareness of the impact we are having with finely tuned sensitivity to how the world is responding to us, and having the necessary mobility to keep adjusting our approach until we find what works - that can be a recipe for success.

If we build it - will they come?  

I think the answer is yes!  People will come - when we find what they are looking for, we deliver it in the way that they want it, and we have the courage, mobility and awareness to push on in pursuit of that dream.  We just have to decide whether this is the hand to go 'all-in' on.  What do you think?

Food for thought .....